


Behold The World's Worst Accident

by chelonianmobile



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Bodyswap, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Dark Comedy, Dirty Jokes, Dystopia, Gen, Implied/Referenced Underage, Inspired by Real Events, Kink Meme, Mild Gore, Mistaken Identity, Multi, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Non-Consensual Touching, Torture, Underage Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-12 01:50:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7915801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chelonianmobile/pseuds/chelonianmobile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>South Korea really shouldn't have let his kid sister get hold of his latest invention. Title from Dresden Dolls' "Girl Anachronism".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Japan looked on in confusion as South Korea and America sat giggling on a bench under a tree, at the bottom of which was his cat and at the top was his dog. Tama the cat was making an extremely strange yowling sound, almost as if he was trying to bark.

"What the...?"

"Oh, hi!" Korea waved. "We're doing a test."

"On what?"

"Ah, just another little piece of tech that's better than yours," said Korea with a smirk. "Little help from England, borrowed some info from Vatican and Tibet, and it's up and running."

"I really don't like the sound of that combination." Japan looked up, wondering how on earth Pochi had even managed to climb the tree.

Korea ignored him. "I give you... dan-da-da-daaaann..." With a flourish, he produced a metal box covered in switches and blinking lights, with two tiny screens and two antennae. "The Soul Switcher!"

Japan's eyebrows raised slightly, about the most impressed reaction Korea ever got from him. "Interesting. Now can I have my dog and cat back to normal? Dogs aren't built to stay in trees and if Pochi gets hurt you're in trouble."

"Spoilsport. Fine - hey, America, give me a hand?" America picked up a stick and gently poked at the dog, who hissed at him. Pochi started to slip, and America hurried to catch him; the dog landed in his arms with a loud thump but no harm. Korea fiddled with the box. "Okay, we're locked on, now turn off the time delay, and..." The lights flickered and there was a soft _pow_ sound, and Pochi wriggled in America's arms and barked normally. Tama hissed at Korea, who jumped back. "See, no harm done! It's perfectly safe. Want one?"

"What possible use could I have for it?"

"I 'unno. Less acting talent needed for live-action hentai?"

"Please stop implying that's my only export. America, stop laughing."

~

The first thing that woke Alfred up the next morning was an unbearable stomach ache; before even opening his eyes he curled up and groaned, massaging his cramping abdomen in the vain hope it would soothe the pain. Was he ill? No. Hungry. _Ravenous._ He hadn't felt this bad since the Great Depression... no, not even then. Why could he feel ribs? That couldn't be right.

He opened his eyes. A hotel room that wasn't his; another bed next to the one he lay in, and was that China's jacket on the chair back, and a neatly folded uniform on the seat? And then he somehow opened his eyes again. _What the hell?_ Much blinking later he figured out the new perspective was from a couple of inches above his own head. He reached up, and felt the familiar shiver of touching Nantucket, except this time it was far too long and thin. He pulled it down, and after some more blinking he managed to use it to take a look at himself.

The Spirit in the down-turned curl showed him a familiar bony little face, fox-eyed and furrow-browed. He'd turned a flamethrower on that face's owner for a full minute once and she'd _still_ got up and knifed him. He put his fingers up to the face's protruding cheekbones, realised they were now his, and screamed.

The bathroom door opened and China looked through it. _"Chaoxian?_ Sweetie? Nightmares again?"

Alfred buried North Korea's face in her/his hands and groaned.


	2. Chapter 2

Click.

"DPRK here, continuing report. Have successfully infiltrated Yankee scum's body, and from here hopefully his country. Investigating contents of room. Wha-oof!" THUMP, CRASH, THUD. "Oww! Note; Yankee scum is bigger than me, falls over easily, and wardrobe door is not suitable for supporting his vast weight. Also note; may help if I put his glasses on. Okay, yeah, that's better...

"Yankee scum dresses in most slovenly manner, as expected. Have remedied most of the situation, struggling with the tie. His fingers are so big and clumsy. Come on you stupid... Got it... Ah. New difficult circumstance has arisen, probably connected to foul aftertaste of..." smack, slurp... "yes, beer. Note; brush teeth." Sounds of rummaging. "Hotel room not supplied with surgical gloves or tongs, making do with wrapping fingers in thick layer of paper and hoping I don't accidentally make contact with even more disgusting parts of disgusting American. Eurgh. Okay, think of it as target practice, let's get this over with..." Zipper. "Oh. Whoa, is it supposed to look like that?... Ahem. Okay, I'm turning the tape off, I don't think anyone wants to hear this."

Click.

"Update. Successfully urinated without permanent trauma. Urrrrrgh. Brushed teeth. Found Yankee scum's laptop. Ah, sweet success. I bet he regrets using 12345 as his password now. Found his browsing history. What secrets lie within, I wonder? Ahahaha..."

Click, click, click-click.

"Uh. Regret to inform Dear Leader that big brother China informed me correctly. There... urp... there's _porn_ on the _internet!_ I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you were right, I'm never ever going on it again!... Huh. Did Japan draw that? Deviant. I knew it."

~

_Knock, knock._

"I'm comin', I'm comin'..." Netherlands opened the door of his room and scowled at America, who was standing much too close to him and grinning ear to ear. "Yes?"

"Hiii, Mr Netherlands," said America, and his grin broadened even further. "See, I'm out of a certain... green substance, and I hear you can help with that."

"I'm not lending you cash. I don't need China bitching at me too."

"Not that one."

Netherlands blinked slowly. "I thought you hated pot."

"Can't a man change his mind?" America continued looking at him expectantly.

Netherlands made the mistake of saying "Screw off, Yank, it's mine! Go bother your brother," and turning back to his room. There was a click, and something pressed against the back of his head. Nations learned to be familiar with the feeling of a gun barrel very quickly, and Netherlands was no exception; he froze.

"Let's try this again. _Gimme the bud, windmill fucker!"_

"Okay, okay, geez, take it!" Netherlands pulled a baggie from his pocket and shoved it into America's free hand. Just to be safe he handed over a pack of rolling papers too. "What is _with_ you?" He watched, confused and disturbed, as America shoved the gun under his jacket and scurried off down the hall, cackling madly and wielding his spoils like a trophy.

Yun-Soo dashed into the stairwell, still cackling, pulled her recording device from her sleeve and started muttering into it again. "Mission successful. Not recognised by Netherlands, will have to see how it goes with Yankee bastard's closer friends. See, China, I so totally _can_ safely talk to Mr Netherlands, so there." She patted the gun proudly. "Maybe I should see if he brought any bullets. And who's this brother he has?"


	3. Chapter 3

The nations filed into the lecture hall, and Yun-Soo glanced around to see if anyone was looking at her. Nobody she or America were particularly close to was doing so; England and most of the Commonwealth were discussing something, and China was lecturing South again ("Yes, I know, at least three seats away from you and Japan and not in direct line of sight of Ukraine, no I don't need to take the stupid Ritalin!"), so she figured she was safe. She allowed herself a smirk, and sat down heavily.

"Ow!"

Ow? Wait, why was the chair so lumpy? Yun-Soo jumped up and spun around.

"Aaah! Evil clone!" The gun was almost instantly in her hand and she flailed it at the mysterious blond in the chair, pulling the trigger rapidly and letting the empty barrel click away.

"I'm Canadaaaa!"

Yun-Soo stopped, and squinted. "Huh? Oh, wait, are you Am-... _aren't_ you _my_ brother?"

"Yes!" squeaked the boy.

"Ohh! Right, that makes sense. Sorry."

"Don't mention it, this happens a lot." Whatever-he'd-said-his-name-was was still squeaking and shaking enough to put Latvia to shame. Yun-Soo glanced around, realised others were glaring, and tucked the gun away before someone decided to try taking it away from her. Last meeting her brother and Germany had picked her up by the ankles and shaken all her various weaponry out of her clothes, though why she didn't know as it wasn't like it'd do any permanent damage; she giggled at the thought of successfully bringing one in. She found an empty seat, waved her hands around it to make sure this one actually was empty, and sat down.

Germany did a rapid headcount of the lecture hall and found the empty seat next to China. "Are we missing someone?"

"North Korea's sick again," China said. "I told her to stay in bed."

"Again? I understand the effects of turmoil, but how are we supposed to help her if she never shows up?"

"She's fine, okay? She can handle it, she just needs a nap."

France's eyes twinkled. "Well, there's always the good old-fashioned financial crisis gangb-"

"She's twelve," China said flatly.

"What, really? Still?"

"Well, yes, France-san, she's not exactly developing fast," said Japan.

Spain felt the need to butt in with "So buy her an electric toothbrush and work up, then?"

Several facial bones shattered by China's hand wrapped around a durable coffee mug later, Germany succeeded in shouting everyone back into business mode. The meeting began in earnest, Yun-Soo's frown of confusion mistaken by those nearby for concentration.

"Uh, guys, before we start presenting...?" South Korea said, waving a hand. "My latest prototype's been stolen from my room. It's not a toy, it could really mess someone up."

"You said it was perfectly safe," Japan accused.

"It is when you know what you're doing with it!"

Germany tapped his papers impatiently. "Will it kill any humans, permanently kill any of us, or level any cities?"

"Well, not by itself, no, but-"

"Then it can wait. We know where everyone is, it can't have gone far. I'll add it to the timetable."

Yun-Soo relaxed and settled down to enjoy her unnoticed view of Ukraine, then mentally cursed as she realised that Ukraine was behind her and she no longer had her Spirit. There was nothing for it; she'd have to actually keep her eyes on whoever was speaking. Damn it.


	4. Chapter 4

"For the last time, _I'm not her!_ I'm America! Can she even speak English?"

"I'm sorry," said China, frowning, in the nations' shared language. "I don't speak English very well. What did you say? Something about America?"

"AAAARGH!" Alfred massaged North's temples. He'd spent all morning trying to break out of the room - China had locked the door "so you won't be disturbed" and taken the key - but his super strength was gone. In fact, he was pretty sure North was even weaker than a human of her size and build would usually be, and she was four foot nothing and frail to begin with. He managed to lift the chair, but couldn't get enough force to damage the door or window with it (unfortunately, this hotel knew the nations and had installed reinforced glass after the last time), and the window didn't open wide enough to let a person through. He'd found China's tie pin and tried to pick the lock with it, but North's hands were unfamiliar and clumsy and he was unused to seeing what he was doing from two perspectives at once, and all he'd managed to do was break the pin. The unbearable hunger had faded as he got used to it, now just at the level of discomfort to make him feel extremely irritable on top of how the situation was already making him feel. No wonder the real North had such a temper.

China had tucked him firmly into bed and nagged him into drinking a cup of tea which, despite having someone else's tastebuds, still tasted like ink, and was now feeling North's forehead, carefully avoiding her half of the Korean Spirit. America grimaced as he remembered touching it and hoped none of the Asian family would find out about him effectively accidentally feeling up their pre-teen. _Gross. So gross. What am I, France? Ah well, not my fault, she stuck it on my head. Kind of. And now she has mine too. Well, that's my nightmares for the next century taken care of._

"I called your boss," China was saying when Alfred started listening again. "He says I should keep an eye on you. Hm, you don't seem feverish or cold, your nose isn't running. You kept your breakfast down? Good."

 _I won't for much longer if you keep making me drink this stupid tea,_ Alfred thought, but figured saying anything wouldn't help, so he sighed and nodded.

"It's probably nothing, then. Just take it easy today, okay, little sister?"

"Fine," Alfred muttered. "Um, could you leave me a key so I can find you if I feel better?"

China smiled and patted North's head. "Sure! You know where the UN building is? Good, see you later then."

As soon as he was gone, Alfred threw North's clothes on and grabbed the key. Being out of the room was a massive relief. One step down, who knew how many to go to get his own body back.

The UN building was a few blocks away; Alfred wouldn't have minded, but North's body felt faint with hunger and her legs were much shorter than he was used to. Halfway there he groaned and leaned on a wall.

"Are you okay?" asked a passerby; he was Asian, and Alfred assumed he was a local, but there was something slightly off about his voice. That was certainly a Japanese accent, but on further thought Alfred realised it sounded like it was the man's second language. Nothing too odd about that, must be an immigrant.

"Mm," Alfred replied, shrugging. The man took North's hand before he could object, and he felt something sharp stick into his finger. "Hey, what-"

Whatever was in the jab must have been obscenely powerful to affect even a weakened nation so strongly. It didn't knock him out, but it left his head swimming and legs shaking; the man took his arm and led him along, and he couldn't even work his mouth to scream. "Come, Yun-Soo, papa thinks it's time to go home."


	5. Chapter 5

Yun-Soo hated coffee. Alfred did not, and it seemed his body was craving it. The smell certainly seemed better now, at least. She took a cup, relaxed as America's tastebuds reacted well to it, and tried not to flinch as Finland filled his own styrofoam cup most of the way up with coffee granules and splashed some water over them.

"Are you okay, America? You've been very quiet all morning," asked England, stirring sugar into his gross cheap Western tea mixed with milk. Ugh. Must be where Hong Kong's horrible idea for yuanyang came from. "Usually you're the first up there, even when your turn is meant to be last."

"Oh, well, um, I thought... if I let everyone else talk first, then... they're bound to come up with something really stupid that'll make my ideas look better!" Yun-Soo improvised.

"Hm, I suppose I can't fault the method, though the execution may leave something to be desired. Too bad North Korea's not here, she'd just say 'nuke everything' and then your ideas would look like gold, unless you're reusing the same idea from the Cold War."

Yun-Soo squeezed the coffee cup in anger and splashed hot coffee with enough force to hit the ceiling. "Ow, my hand!"

"Whoa! Easy there. You'd have thought you'd remember your strength, you've only had it two hundred-odd years..." England's speech was angry but his actions were kind; he immediately started mopping America up with paper napkins. Yun-Soo let him; really, he reminded her of China, even if he was a corrupt capitalist Westerner and had bad enough taste to like America. Maybe older siblings were the same everywhere. "Here, soak some of these in cold water. Better? Good." He paused, and his nose wrinkled. "What's that musty smell?"

"What smell?" Yun-Soo said innocently.

"Oh, it's probably Netherlands again, never mind." England wandered off, and Yun-Soo smirked and casually ate some sugar packets. Nobody noticed.

In the broom closet, she took out her recording device again, the one she had posted under America's door before using the Soul Switcher. "Ahem. DPRK recording again. Opium bastard hasn't noticed it's me. I hope it's because I'm doing well. Possibly he's drunk. I'm told he often is. We may have a problem; Yankee scum appears to have found a way to mitigate the ill-effects of his country's unstable state. Specifically, there is food that wasn't made by the opium bastard and yet I don't particularly want to eat it. Scary, yet not unpleasant. Note; someone should do something violent to him until he explains. Could be useful."

The door creaked open and in peered a white-haired figure Yun-Soo remembered from the good old days before Mr Russia sold out to capitalism. "Knock knock, who's there?... Oho, Alfie boy. Been a while." Prussia slipped into the broom closet and shut the door behind them.

"Oh, uh, hello, German Dem- uh, Germany's... east... half... Prussia! Sorry, my memory's going bad because I'm so dumb," she said, as perkily as she could manage. In the faint light around the closet door, Prussia's expression didn't seem to change. Seemed his opinion of America's brain power wasn't high either. Was anyone's? "What are you doing?"

"We're in the broom closet, isn't it obvious? Must have been longer for you than I thought. That's pretty much what it's for, man." It wasn't to Yun-Soo, until she heard the sound of Prussia's fly being unzipped.

"I, um... I have to go!" she wailed, and broke the door off its hinges in her haste, concussing the innocently passing Latvia. Prussia blinked, ignoring Estonia and Lithuania's screams of "LATVIAAA!" and hurriedly re-zipped.

"Sheesh, I might not be official anymore but I figured broom closet privileges were still on the list."

~

"DPRK's log. Sorry about the sound of dripping water, having to record in bathroom cubicle and one sink's broken. Have discovered why other nations keep randomly disappearing during conferences. Broom closets not safe. Moment of carelessness on my part, as I didn't notice broom closet in fact contained no brooms. Cannot really judge Yankee scum for this specific thing, sorry to say, because apparently everyone's involved. Note; with obvious exception of Dear Leader, adults are _disgusting."_

Creak. "America?! What are you doing in the ladies' room?"

"Um... learning Korean?"

"Out! Get out!"

"Eep!" CLANG! "Ow!" CLANG! "Ow! Okay, okay, I'm going!" Sounds of slamming door and running. "Stupid mental autopilot!"


	6. Chapter 6

Alfred spent the journey, first in the car and then the helicopter, hugging North's knees and trembling. He said nothing, and nothing was said to him. He was getting whispers of North's connection with her people, and these were definitely hers, but that didn't mean he was safe. Spirit hung down limply and stuck to his cheek and he really didn't want to touch it to brush it away. North's back hurt to lean on.

Hours later, they landed, and then there was one last leg of the journey by car with tinted windows. Finally, _finally,_ the car stopped and the door clicked open and Alfred was led out to meet... _oh crap, not this guy._

"Little magnolia!" North's boss took hold of her hands affectionately. "I hear you haven't been well! Nothing coming home can't cure, I think. Don't fret, you're safe here."

"Um, uh..." Alfred struggled to remember the Korean language he hadn't used for more than ordering food since the end of his involvement in the war. His own connection with his people was fuzzy, but he closed his eyes and concentrated, picking up on his own land's Korean speakers and North's link with this land's, and from that and memory he managed to put together an acceptable response. "Yes, Dear Leader, I will feel better soon." _That is what she calls him, right? Does she call him something different to his face? Well, he's not getting mad at me, so I guess I'm safe. There, I can do this till the guys find me. How bad can it get? Well, the guy felt the need to kidnap me - her - back here at the slightest problem! Either this is really good or really bad._

The boss frowned. "Are you sure? Your voice sounds odd." Alfred held his breath till the man continued. "You've been spending far too much time talking to that upstart brother of yours, haven't you? You sound a little more Southern now."

"I'm sorry, Dear Leader, I'm sorry! I, um, I have to talk to him to, uh, tell him how awful he is, see?"

The man's frown didn't fade entirely, and he put a hand to North's forehead. "Hmm, it seems you really aren't very well, that one hair's not standing up. Please tell me you didn't break into a morgue again."

"Of course I didn't, Dear Leader," said Alfred, trying very hard not to think of the implications of the word "again" or why it would have happened. He'd heard enough rumours. North's stomach gurgled in an unfortunately timed confirmation.

"Good. Well, come on, I'll make sure you get a good meal and some sleep, you'll be fine. Come along and get changed for dinner."

Alfred felt relief, but didn't let himself relax. _Change for dinner, okay. What's appropriate?_ "What would you like me to wear, Dear Leader?"

The man looked back in mild surprise, but wasn't displeased. Of course not, Alfred realised; obedience to his wishes was what was wanted here. "Hm, how about that nice red and white hanbok? You look so pretty in traditional dress."

"Um, Dear Leader, I feel a little dizzy. Could someone please walk me to my room so I don't fall?"

"Of course, dear."

~

Yun-Soo's room, which Alfred had been led to by the type of serious man in dark glasses who works for the leaders of every nation, was surprisingly normal for a girl of her apparent age, disregarding the flag-pattern blankets (which weren't weird for a nation, anyway), the smell of marijuana, and the shrine to her boss's dynasty which took up most of one wall. Said walls were very pink, and she had a goldfish, which looked healthier than she did. Everything looked to be of superb quality. Alfred fed the fish, just in case it needed it, and prepared to change clothes, trying to avoid the mirror. He felt like enough of a pervert already, and like a victim-blamer for reminding himself she was the one who'd put him in her body, even if it was true.

Under her shirt he was still wearing the plain white underwear she'd worn under her nightdress - wow, kids' stomachs were _not_ supposed to be concave - and it looked fine from the front, but he felt the stinging on her back and remembered what Lithuania's back looked like. He stood in front of the dresser mirror and peeled off the undershirt in one rip, like a Band-Aid. The back was sticky with little patches of half-dried blood and pus, and when he looked down at her front he could see what looked like wrap-around marks from a whipping. He turned enough to see her back. _Ho-lee shit._

This wasn't something subtle like the shackle mark he'd had from the trade of slaves born on American soil, which he'd puzzled over for an embarrassingly long time. This was a mess ranging from fat years-old keloid scars to half-healed pink flesh to open cuts oozing pus through thin taped-on gauze; some of the older ones looked deep enough to have exposed bone. This looked like someone had methodically and repeatedly taken a bullwhip to the little kid he saw in the mirror. Of course nobody literally had, but North Korea was not a large nation and a great deal of its population were or had been in the prison camps, or were suffering from the loss of a loved one to them. Russia had frostbite scarring from the gulags, but he had far more people and so suffered proportionally less damage. Alfred remembered North's laws; the tiniest infraction and not only the offender but three generations of their family were punished. How the hell could her bosses ignore this? Sending faceless masses to internment camps was far different than a child they were supposed to love suffering right in front of them. That was what personifications were originally _for,_ to stop this kind of thing from happening! That was partly why they were all so beautiful; to make humans think twice about doing anything that would mar them. Had Yun-Soo even tried to tell them? Was her mind even free enough to know she should tell someone? Did her brothers know? How had _he_ not noticed sooner? Had the hunger distracted him? Was her body just so used to this that it shut off the pain?

Very little of the damage was visible from the front. That was the way with the DPRK. Put on a shiny pretty face with nothing but ruin behind it.

Alfred found clean gauze in her bathroom cabinet and taped it on, and put on the red and white hanbok which he assumed the boss didn't know looked rather like her brother's favourite one, and went to the dining room, because there really was nothing else he could do.


	7. Chapter 7

"Okay, is it just me or has America been acting really weird all day?"

South Korea blinked at Prussia, and said "Are you even allowed in here?"

"Fuck you, kid - if Romano is, I am!"

"I thought it was just me who noticed," England hastily interrupted. "Yes, America's been odd all day. He's quiet. Whatever it is, please don't stop it. I'm enjoying it."

South's eyes widened. "Oh crud. Guys, I did say my invention went missing. Did I tell you what it was?"

One hasty explanation later, the trio were trying to subtly stare at America, who was by now recovered from whatever had made him come back from lunch sleepy and red-eyed, and actually seemed to be listening as Germany talked. Indeed, he was taking notes and it looked like he was listening enough for them to be relevant to the speech, something he rarely did.

"Okay, America's acting weird, my machine's gone, and my little sister's not here. Am I the only one who thinks there's a connection?"

"By little sister, I guess you don't mean Taiwan, since I can see her," England groaned. "The same sister who crashed the New Years' party, got sloshed, and proposed marriage to my brother while waving a gun at him? Poor Northern Ireland, he was twitchy for weeks after that... Yes, it would seem to make sense. Now I know where the smell of pot was coming from."

"Aw, no. Yes, that'll be her."

"Oh God not that kid. I remember her, she used to drop in on the USSR a lot. I still cringe when I think of dolls' tea parties." Prussia turned as pale as his hair. "Okay, eww. She was in the broom closet. I guess she doesn't know what it's for. And I went in. Oh, don't look at me like that, nothing happened! Still, _ewwwwwwwww."_

"Okay, first we have to conclusively prove it's her, then we can worry about making her talk."

"I can do it," Korea sighed; he leaned towards America, and said "Hey, Balhae."

America spun in his seat and managed to say "Don't _call_ me tha-!" before Prussia bellowed "Get 'im!" There was a lot of commotion, punctuated by America's scream of "DAMN IT!"

Germany looked at the resulting dogpile and blinked. "Okay, Prussia yells 'get him' and, without question, you all do? I'm concerned."

"Prussia's scary when he yells!" whined Italy.

"Don't look at me, I just assumed it was important!" Spain's voice came from somewhere in the heap.

"Me too," Russia said, standing up, arms locked under America's. Yun-Soo squirmed, but both Italies were hanging onto America's left arm and France and England his right, with others she couldn't see pinning his legs, and while America was ridiculously strong, the other nations were pretty powerful themselves and managed to restrain her between them. She twitched as something sharp touched America's thigh; those holding her legs included Belarus, who must have seen Russia get involved. Russia added "Prussia stopped interrupting meetings for trivial reasons after that little explanation last time."

"Yeah, that was very... graphic," England muttered. "Seriously, this _is_ important. Isn't it, Democratic People's Republic?"

"What? Uh, who's that? Hahaha, I'm America! See, I love guns and capitalism, I smell like beef, and my notes are full of stupid doodles which look like bad ripoffs of Japan's! Who else could I be?" Sweat beaded on America's forehead.

Prussia sighed. "Kid, South's machine goes missing and then you don't turn up - sort of, 'cause, um, you've been here all the time? You know what I mean! And you sound about as much like America as your boss sounds like a sane person."

"Hey!"

"There, see?"

Russia blinked, then beamed and said "Little DPRK! It's been too long!" His grasp turned into a crushing hug; Yun-Soo gasped and the surrounding nations swore they heard America's ribs creak.

South folded his arms and glared. "Where'd you put the Soul Switcher? It's not a toy and it's not yours! What have I told you about touching my stuff?"

"Well, you're always saying we should re-unite, so technically it's _our_ stuff," said Yun-Soo, and stuck out America's tongue.

"That didn't work when you started kidnapping people and I have no idea why you think it would work now," South groaned. "Look, let's make this simple. Either you tell me where it is, or I turn you over to Sweden."

"What?!" Yun-Soo squeaked and tried to shrink away. "What happened to just playing pop music at me?"

"I stopped doing that when I realised you like it." South ignored his sister's shriek of protest and rolled his eyes at his audience. "I _told_ my boss the big TV wasn't exactly gonna make it worse unless he wanted her to nosebleed to death, but do they ever listen to me?"

"Okay, okay, fine, you bastard, it's in mine and China's room! It's on top of the wardrobe and I shoved a spare pillow up there to hide it. Just stop _talking!"_

South grinned. "Annoying sibling powers. Beats the atom bomb." Prussia grinned back and high-fived him. He caught Sweden's chilly look at him and quickly added "Look, I go with what works, okay?"

The device was indeed in China's room. Alfred, however, was not.


	8. Chapter 8

"We may need something new for the radio. I think golfing stories are losing their impact. Any ideas, dear?"

"Umm..." Alfred sucked his spoon. "How about... next time there's a cold snap, say someone didn't do what you said, and you got so mad you scared the sun away."

There was a long silence, and Alfred fervently hoped the Kim line were not familiar with America's abundance of Chuck Norris jokes. Finally the boss chuckled, and his wife joined in. "Not bad, dear, but we're looking for a bit more positivity here," he said.

"Then how about you... what's the word? Oh yeah... You counted to infinity twice!"

This one was met with immediate laughter, and Alfred relaxed a little. Lucky North was a child, really; he could say ridiculous things and be dismissed as adorable. The sour ache in North's belly got worse. He really didn't want to be doing anything which made his mortal enemies happy, but he had no choice. He didn't want to know what would happen to him if he was found out, and he couldn't help but wonder what would happen to North herself. 

"You seem a little perkier now, that's good. I said being home would help. It's too bad you have to go, really. It's not safe out there - you go to meetings with all these ghastly countries, and what happens? You come home sick. I wonder who you caught it from." The boss drank some more soup, and continued. "Maybe it wasn't one of them, though. Too much time around unfamiliar humans might have done it. Well, you're quite safe in here. Tell me if there's anything more you want, and I'll have it brought in. No reason for you to exert yourself or take any risks."

"I'm the next best thing to immortal, what risks _are_ there?" Alfred said carelessly. The temperature at the table seemed to drop.

"Don't talk back, dear, and don't be silly. Who knows what that awful brother of yours might be planning?"

The boss and his wife dropped the subject and continued eating, and Alfred almost melted with relief. If they neglected North's wounds to the extent they had, goodness knows what they'd directly do to her... Did they really intend for the poor kid to stay in the palace twenty-four/seven forever? Her presence was unnecessary at most of the meetings, just the pan-Asia meetings and the yearly World Conference that she'd been at this week, and presumably technically still was. Was she stuck within her boss's home all the time otherwise? It was a decent-sized and luxurious place, and he hoped she was at least allowed out in the grounds, but that was no way to raise a kid, especially not a nation. Nations were supposed to mingle with their people incognito; ideally one day she'd be a student, next a farm kid, next on a stage somewhere, next touring someone's office. Generally getting to meet the people who made up her self. Of course in the circumstances her bosses wouldn't _want_ her to meet them.

North's hunger hadn't left him, but suddenly he no longer really wanted to eat. Shame to waste it, he hadn't had terrapin soup since before WW2 when his own terrapin species got rarer, and it really smelled good, but it tasted like ashes as he thought of his situation. Surely his friends had noticed something was weird by now. Surely they'd come to rescue him soon. Right?

"Is there something wrong with your soup, dear?" asked the wife.

"No!" Alfred spluttered, praying nothing would happen to the cook. One never knew here. "No, I just... I'm still feeling ill. I'm not hungry."

There was a silence. Both the mortals put their spoons down. Had he said something wrong?

"Are you sure?" asked the wife. "Really sure?"

"Um." Alfred took another couple of spoonfuls, but now he was genuinely frightened and that made it even harder to eat. The meat was tender and the thought hit him that the living terrapin had been healthier than North was, and that killed any chance he had of eating it. He retched, swallowed it back, and put the spoon down. "Yes. Uh, sorry?"

The boss looked past him and nodded almost imperceptibly, and next thing Alfred knew the strong hands of two of the dark-suited men he'd forgotten were even there were pinning his arms to his sides.

"Hey, what the hell-?!"

"Sit still and don't swear at the table!"

Alfred's mouth snapped shut and his arms froze. _Damn it, did North tell him about this or did he figure it out himself?_ Alfred's bosses, when he'd told them, had generally been careful with orders, and some had been kind enough to outright specify permission to disobey in at least some circumstances. It seemed the inability to resist direct orders from their leaders applied when only the nation's body was present. Wherever Yun-Soo was, had she frozen stiff too? The dark-suited men weren't taking chances, it seemed; next thing he knew his hands and neck were bound to the back of his chair, and he mentally cursed again as North's puny arms failed to do any damage to his bonds. The chair was tipped over backwards.

There was a creaking sound of something on wheels approaching, and he turned to see another man bringing in a large white tank on a high stand. "What's that?!" He had a feeling he knew. There was a spigot with a long pipe attached at the bottom of the tank. From the angle he was at, the tank looked bigger than North's body.

The boss looked disappointed, and his wife excused herself and hurried out of the room. "You know the rules, Yun-Soo. How can the people eat if you won't?"

Alfred blurted "But it's the other way rou-" before a metal spider gag was lodged behind North's teeth. The men ignored him.

 _It could be worse,_ he thought as the tube was pushed down her throat and thin sour-smelling nutrient gruel started to flow down it. _Now I know why they tried to treat her body for the wounds rather than her people, and the pipe's in far enough I don't have to taste this stuff._ Small comfort, but right now he'd take it.


End file.
